Lies
Life, Musings, Rants November 10th, 2007Lack of posting due to it being exam season and like Chantelle, my last exam ends 21st November. One down, another three to go!
Anyway, my mum today was telling me about a family friend of ours, a chick about two or three years older than me, whose parents are close friends with my parents. I don’t remember her English name, let’s call her “C”. From the very beginning, when I first visited her house at the wee age of about six, I came to the lasting conclusion that C was a horrible bitch, mainly because she expressly refused to let me play with any of her toys. Anyway, being the older one, she started University about two years before I did, in some finance degree. Over the years, we’ve been hearing from her parents that she had academic trouble at Uni, but recently, we were told that she had finally graduated from her three-year degree in her fifth year.
Big twist time! Her mum told my dad a few days ago that C had been lying all along! She in fact stopped attending University after her third year (after what I guess were a series of very bad marks) and simply lied to her parents all this time about going to university, INCLUDING the bit about her graduating. I have no idea why one would make such a lie, I mean, sooner or later, you’re going to be quizzed about the existence of your degree. Her parents are absolutely devastated at the news and promptly have been going around telling everyone about how they are so ashamed and disappointed by the whole thing.
Now, as much as I dislike C, I really feel bad for her. I hate how some parents are so fucking sensitive about their children bring shame on them, and yet this “shame” they are so paranoid about simply wouldn’t exist if you didn’t go around complaining to people about it. C’s parents are quite traditionally Chinese in their absolute insistence on getting a University degree, and no doubt such pressure contributes to C’s decision to lie. C has had a continuous part-time job in the retail industry, can probably support herself financially (though still lives at home) and apparently she enjoys working and yet that’s probably not good enough for her parents.
Anyway, now that the cat’s out of the bag, C’s said she’ll be trying to get back into University to get some sort of tourism degree, though I don’t know how much THAT is influenced by her parents. It must suck so much balls to be in her position right now regarding her parents. :(
17 Responses to “Lies”
Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.
Hmm. I had the exact opposite reaction to yours: I find what C did absolutely unforgivable and think her parents have every right to go around talking about how disappointed they are. Unless C paid for her own university funds (which I doubt she did, given your description of her), it sounds like she just wasted alot of peoples’ time, money, and expectations. The only thing I’m surprised about is that her parents talk about it despite the fact that it’s pretty shameful, and Asian people generally want to keep face. *shrugs* Having said that, if this were me, I would’ve simply disowned her. Her feelings are irrelevant by this point because she HAS seriously screwed up and she DOES deserve to get looked down on for it. And a tourism degree? What’s the point? If you want to go into the tourism indusry, wouldn’t it make more sense just to get a linguistics degree?
Disowning though?! That is more than a little harsh! I thought there was something about family that made you love them unconditionally — despite their faults and their mistakes. While what C did was undoubtedly foolish there must be a reason behind it, and from what I can see, it probably stems from the parents.
I actually don’t know who paid for her tertiary education, though it must be noted that the HECS system in Australia means that course fees could be entirely deferred and paid off at a later date (I’m currently working under such a scheme, I haven’t paid a cent yet towards my course fees though I would have to once I start working). It’s very possible that her parents didn’t have to pay for her education at all.
Without a doubt though, there was most probably a lot of expectation placed on her (single child in a conservative, traditional Chinese family). However, I find such expectation to be entirely unfair. She didn’t get to pick what her parents expected of her, and when she doesn’t meet those expectations, she gets blamed for it? I personally can’t stand the idea that one’s behaviour should be dictated by the “shame” meter of someone else, even if it is your parents.
Also, what really bugs me is the idea of “saving face”. Her parents didn’t have to publicly tell everyone what she did, and if they had kept it to themselves, there’d be no shame! I don’t understand this almost masochistic behaviour of, when bad things happen, having to tell people of it while predicting that they’d look down on you for it. What for?
I see. There’s a difference, I think, between paying for your own education and having the liberty to screw it up, and then having somebody else pay for that education and feeling an obligation to meet those standards. If her parents didn’t pay for her, then I think it’s fine if she screws up - she’ll just have to carry the burden herself, I guess.
I don’t know the background of her story, whether she got to pick her major or whatever… but the fact that she LIED about something so serious bugs me. I think there’s a certain balance one has to find between following one’s own path and adhering to other peoples’ expectations (especially parents, since they do usually raise you!). If you don’t measure up, just be humble, accept it, and vow to do better next time (and follow up on your vow, of course). Don’t just lie about it and make the excuse that ohhhh, you didn’t like what people expected of you in the first place, and that’s why you had to pretend you did for three years and completely waste time/money. In the end, you only end up hurting everybody more. I know people hardly decide right away whether they’ll go through with something or not, but there is a certain point of no return, in my opinion.
And I don’t get the part about telling everybody, either. It makes no logical sense to me. I can only guess that they figure everybody else will find out, anyways.
Ergh. I hate how Asian families insist on high education from their kids etc. If she likes retail, let her be! I wasn’t allowed to take computer science because it’s not a job with a ‘respectable social status’ I guess.
I’m not liking the sound of C. It’s too much of a lie and I can’t believe her parents were fooled all along. Surely she must’ve done no study, no textbooks and so on. Therefore, her parents probably phail pretty bad too.
This… “saving face” thing happens in most Chinese families. Even having a boyfriend/girlfriend in high school is a shameful act. My parents think my ball partner holding my waist in our ball photo was something to be terribly ashamed of. They go way too far, seriously.
Good luck with your exams btw. :)
Man, I don’t even know what to think. On one hand, I do feel bad for her, and I’ve had an Asian friend in a similar situation. On the other hand, though, I don’t get it - it does really seem like a waste of time to go through all that and then just quit. Also lying about it doesn’t sit well with me either.
The fault definitely lies with her as well as her parents, but I do feel sorry for her. She’s going to have to live with her mistakes, and that’s not easy, especially when the mistakes are as big as this. Regardless of the mistakes she’s made, though, her parents should love her and try to understand her. The fact that they’re going around, telling everyone about it is horrible.
Maybe they just want to complain to other people because they’re very mad at her? Who knows why people gossip like that, even when it’s about their own children?
Yikes, I can’t imagine lying to my parents about something so huge as dropping out of college. That must’ve been extremely stressful for her to go on with that charade for a couple years.
It’s kinda sad that, even today, people feel so pressured by other’s expectations that they feel they have to lie to be accepted by their family.
That said, it took me weeks to admit that I’d dropped out of the first year of college to Karl, and I was so ashamed of myself. That wasn’t because of his expectations, rather my expectations of his expectations (if that even makes sense). Oh well, I at least had the opportunity to fix it & re-did my course and now live happily ever after and all that.
I can only imagine how hard it must have been on her to fail to live up to her parents expectations, but lying for two years? That just makes it so much worse.
Ouch, that sounds like an awful mess for all involved. =\ I feel sorry for C; what she did was obviously dishonest, but I can imagine being backed into a corner with constant pressure from parents’ expectations and fear of their disapproval/anger/threats of excommunication (which can be instilled strongly from a very young age, knowing typical Asian upbringing), which just makes hiding things from them seem like the only viable option. It still indicates a lack of maturity and responsibility on her part, and she was going to be found out eventually… it’s actually surprising that she managed to keep it up for two years - surely the parents would’ve expected to go to her graduation, ask about results etc? The paranoia and stress would make you go insane…
I don’t understand drive to publicise “shame” either, it seems like a bit of a martyr complex. -__- Don’t get me started on the need to constantly compare children’s UAIs and degrees to one-up parents’ status and bragging rights among their circle of friends. It’s depressing the number of people who end up studying commerce or some other degree in which they have no interest (and thus more likely to drop out), to fulfil their parent’s expectations. Yet it’s also difficult to argue with them, because they genuinely want you to have “a good future” — but what they believe constitutes a good future (and method of getting there) is not necessarily what is going be good for you. I remember my mother refusing to talk to me for days, and every conversation with my father being a guilt-trip, until I chose the degree they wanted. That didn’t get very far… ^^;;
Anyway, good luck with your exams!! November is the most painful month of the year. x__X
I feel sorry for her. I shouldn’t say much because I can’t imagine being alright with my children not going to college (hell, I even have Ivy League ambitions for them), but if her parents’ ridiculous expectations are hurting and putting a lot of pressure on her - they should back off. Everything is hard enough already, and she probably feels like crap for letting everyone down… Them telling everyone doesn’t help anything. I hope that C’s able to put this behind her, get her tourism degree (if she wants it), and just move on.
Also, good luck with your exams. :D On the 21st, we should celebrate.
I don’t understand why one should disown their own children because they dropped out of school and lied about it. Wouldn’t that in general mean that as a parent you failed miserably since your own child feels a desperate need to lie to you instead of just telling you the truth?
My parents tried to pressure me into school. Never ended well. You can’t live your life through your children, no matter what culture you find yourself in.
Perhaps C just doesn’t know what she wants to do with her life. I’m still in that position where I look at all the various offers for education, and I just don’t know what to pick. Do I really want to keep track of peoples accounting for the rest of my life? Do I want to sit in front of a computer and create webpages for the next 10-15 years? Will it even be a profession in 10-15 years?
Deciding on the future is always difficult. Having parents who “expect great things” never helps.
Hee, I’m back to my Bel-blog stalkage routine! XD
Shame or no shame, I find it rather… amusing - for lack of better wording - that certain parents would go about telling others how “bad” their own children are. While this doesn’t apply to everyone, usually when you hear someone talk like that, the first reaction that’d come to mind is “Aren’t you also saying that you suck at raising kids?” Badmouthing your own family member would only make yourself look pathetic in the long-run, similar to when a wife complains about how abusive her husband is yet wouldn’t divorce him. Reality says that if you chose the way you bring up your children, you better stick with it and swallow any problem that might be along the way instead of going around asking for sympathy - that’s what C’s parents are doing, seems to me D:
The way universities are structured nowadays also contribute to some students’ apathetic attitudes: you either try hard and do well, or can’t get used to the whole curriculum and eventually drop out. Middle line is almost non-existent: there are only two sides to a game and you’re either the winner or the loser. Asian parents who still live an ancient time doesn’t realize the fact that while we have a much better standard of living or according to them, “a much higher starting point in life”, the world is actually more competitive than before because everyone’s practically the same after being squared by a monotonous system called school. If some kids can’t adjust to such an hierarchical environment, the parents should help them find a way out instead of telling them how shameful they are, but apparently that’s asking for too much in this particular case D:
Best of wishes to C and to everyone who’s under constant parental pressure that forces them to act against their own heart T_T
Awwww…that’s very sad. =(
I guess I should consider myself lucky that my parents supported me no matter what I did (education wise) as long as I’m happy
I couldn’t imagine lying to my parents like that. I feel really bad for her. She must have felt really desperate in order to lie like that.
What I want to know is, how she managed to lie for that long of a time… if I stopped going to classes, my parents would know in a heartbeat and probably just stop paying for my tuition for college altogether and tell me to go find my own way through life…
Well if her parents don’t pay her fees, then I guess her parents didn’t require evidence of her marks and stuff… I mean she probably goes out and tells her parents she’s studying and makes up her marks. :(